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Being a woman in my fourth decade, I’ve consistently thought that courtesy is essential, which includes expressing regret when I think I’ve made a mistake. Despite a fulfilling life, I’ve battled very little self-assurance. This mix of aiming to be considerate and second-guessing my actions has turned me into someone who says sorry often. Frequently, it happens so automatically that I’m unconscious of it. It originates in anxiety and has influenced both my personal and professional life. It annoys my loved ones and workmates, and then I get annoyed when they bring it up—which only increases my anxiety.

Public Speaking and Questioning

This excessive apologizing is especially problematic when it comes to public speaking or making inquiries in front of people. I try to have a script to stay on track and avoid nervous rambling, but even that doesn’t work most of the time. As an junior researcher in politics, speaking confidently is crucial. I’ve attempted to work on this through facing fears, such as teaching classes and pushing myself to ask questions at open forums, despite experiencing setbacks from senior male academics. I’ve also tried waiting before speaking to become more aware of when I’m apologizing, but this is effective at first before I return to old habits.

Accepting Myself

I don’t think I’ll ever completely love myself, and I’ve come to terms with that. I still appreciate life and find it rewarding. My main goal is to reduce the constant apologizing. I’ve learned that professional help might benefit me, but I question how it can help in practice.

Apologizing is a useful skill, but it must be used wisely. Too little or too much, and you place a strain on others.

Exploring the Causes

A psychotherapist might explore where this habit comes from. Thoughts including, “How early were you when this developed?” or “Was it self-inspired or adopted from someone important to you?” Sometimes, childhood behaviors that once helped us become harmful in grown-up life.

In fact, some of your current behaviors could be seen as self-defeating. You realize it bothers those around you, yet you persist it.

Benefits of Counseling

When asked what professional guidance could do, one approach focuses on existing rather than doing. Much of helpful sessions is about self-awareness, not just fixing issues. A experienced counselor will supportively question you, offering a safe space to consider and embrace who you are.

Instead of exposure therapy, a connection-based method with a humanist therapist might be more helpful. This can help you come back to yourself and examine how you judge, dismiss, and undermine yourself. It can assist in identifying self-criticism, interrupting it, and finding more gentle ways to see things. Your self-assurance can develop from there.

Practical Steps

Changing ingrained patterns is hard, especially in anxious times when apologizing feels like a knee-jerk reaction. But you can start by considering on how apologizing serves you and what it would be like to hold back. Often, it’s an attempt to avoid discomfort or exposure, by recognizing perceived flaws before others do. This can create a loop of irritation and worry.

Even processing later can be beneficial. Try counting to 10 before responding, or use a stock phrase instead of “I’m sorry.” For example, saying “I see” can make others feel listened to without you taking accountability.

This journey will take time, but recognizing there’s an issue is a significant first step toward change.